Losing my way

I lost my way with playing the role of my own therapist two weeks ago. I haven't exercised, meditated, or continued with the self improvement skills I was trying to learn. I am mildly or moderately depressed. I am not sure if it's because of letting go (or trying to let go) of my fantasies and projections of her or what. I feel a sense of loss and disconnectness. I've had thoughts of wanting to die, and they've been kind of repetitive. I just let them be. I try not to become fused with that mind train.

I do want to let go of the fantasies. But my mind resists. It's use to coping with anxiety and loss by falling into fantasy. My mind wants to resist the reality. It feels like I am going to lose her for good. I don't know if that's true or not, but there's nothing I can do about it, anyway.

I don't really want to write to her anymore. It's lost its sense of place. I know it's just not productive.

I don't know where I'm going with my paper. I've seem to have lost all the focus on the actual literature and moved into feminist theorizing territory...Motherhood and patriarchy--what can feminism do about it, really? Women want to be mothers. And motherhood is both enslavement and transformative. A stinking binary we've got to zen through. Yeah, I just used zen as a verb there. I mean by saying "to zen" that we've got to see through the dualistic thought. And this is very tricky. Let me find a koan.

"the river does not flow, but the bridge does."

passing out... I'll be back.